GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Negative 2 billion stars out of 5
I had incredibly low expectations for this movie and it managed to surpass it with stunning ability. Ridiculous plot, terrible acting, pathetic special effects; just plain stupid.
Christopher Eccleston plays a corporate weapons honcho that gets NATO to give him money to develop a new fangled nano-robot weapon, even though he has enough money to have built an enormous underwater city at the North Pole that even the Chinese don't know about. He also, for some reason, has a deep-seated grudge against (humans?) because his great^20 grandfather was busted selling weapons to the French and turned into the man in the iron mask. Channing Tatum (who was in love with Sienna Miller at some point because they shared a nice dance or something but they break up because he just happens to be there when Sienna's brother blows up during combat in some random east African locale, don't ask me) and Marlon Wayans (killing all the credibility he gained from Requiem for a Dream that had built up to counteract Dungeons & Dragons, White Chicks and Little Man) are tasked with transporting this new weapon to somewhere, in jeeps. With helicopter backups. Not sure why they didn't just put the weapons in the helicopter. Anyway, they get ambushed. SURPRISE, BITCH! Sienna Miller and (Korean Pop Superstar) Rain try and make off with the goodies.
GI Joe saves the day, Tatum and Wayans ask to be recruited into the wonderful world of Joe and blah, blah, blah. Its really difficult to talk about this steaming pile of dog squeeze. I just kept on thinking "Dumb", "What the F**K?" , "Is my mac and cheese done?" while watching this. I mean you have Snake Eyes versus (Korean Pop Superstar) Rain, and for some reason they consider themselves brothers. A white guy and a Korean guy growing up in Japan learning Chinese kung fu. And their "brotherhood" consisted of white kid trying to steal food, Korean kid yells at him in Korean and fights him, Chinese "master" says we gotta train this white kid while Korean kid snarls, Korean kid beats up white kid in training while Chinese "master" broods, white kid finally "beats" Korean kid while Chinese "master" claps, Korean kid sticks a sword in Chinese "master's" back. All in the space of a couple of weeks.
Stuff like this really made me proud to say I made it all the way thru this muck only turning away for a few minutes. Now I know how Sisyphus felt.
So now go buy it.
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