An Objective Review of GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Negative 2 billion stars out of 5

I had incredibly low expectations for this movie and it managed to surpass it with stunning ability. Ridiculous plot, terrible acting, pathetic special effects; just plain stupid.

Christopher Eccleston plays a corporate weapons honcho that gets NATO to give him money to develop a new fangled nano-robot weapon, even though he has enough money to have built an enormous underwater city at the North Pole that even the Chinese don't know about. He also, for some reason, has a deep-seated grudge against (humans?) because his great^20 grandfather was busted selling weapons to the French and turned into the man in the iron mask. Channing Tatum (who was in love with Sienna Miller at some point because they shared a nice dance or something but they break up because he just happens to be there when Sienna's brother blows up during combat in some random east African locale, don't ask me) and Marlon Wayans (killing all the credibility he gained from Requiem for a Dream that had built up to counteract Dungeons & Dragons, White Chicks and Little Man) are tasked with transporting this new weapon to somewhere, in jeeps. With helicopter backups. Not sure why they didn't just put the weapons in the helicopter. Anyway, they get ambushed. SURPRISE, BITCH! Sienna Miller and (Korean Pop Superstar) Rain try and make off with the goodies.

GI Joe saves the day, Tatum and Wayans ask to be recruited into the wonderful world of Joe and blah, blah, blah. Its really difficult to talk about this steaming pile of dog squeeze. I just kept on thinking "Dumb", "What the F**K?" , "Is my mac and cheese done?" while watching this. I mean you have Snake Eyes versus (Korean Pop Superstar) Rain, and for some reason they consider themselves brothers. A white guy and a Korean guy growing up in Japan learning Chinese kung fu. And their "brotherhood" consisted of white kid trying to steal food, Korean kid yells at him in Korean and fights him, Chinese "master" says we gotta train this white kid while Korean kid snarls, Korean kid beats up white kid in training while Chinese "master" broods, white kid finally "beats" Korean kid while Chinese "master" claps, Korean kid sticks a sword in Chinese "master's" back. All in the space of a couple of weeks.

Stuff like this really made me proud to say I made it all the way thru this muck only turning away for a few minutes. Now I know how Sisyphus felt.

So now go buy it.

How I learned about racism

The Jeffersons. That's right, The Jeffersons taught me about the evils of racism. There was an episode called "Sorry, Wrong Meeting", where George inadvertently attends a KKK meeting in his building.  When the KKK leader has a heart attack, George is the only one in the room who knows CPR and saves his life.  When the KKK leader's son tells him that George saved his life, he says "You should have let me die".  As a little kid, I was completely freaked out.  My poor Mom wasn't able to explain racism to me.  I just couldn't comprehend the intense hatred somebody could have just based on somebody else's skin color.  Maybe it was because my best friend at the time was Mexican or maybe because I used to watch Sanford and Son, Good Times as well as The Jeffersons that I didn't think there was anything inherently strange or different about people that weren't white.  Or maybe it was a good family to teach me right from wrong.  Or maybe it was a combination of all of them together.

Here is part 2 of that Jeffersons episode.  Just try to imagine watching this as a 9-year old and that's how I felt.

Backwards thinking?

So, I've sort of avoided all this Herman Cain sexual harassment talk.  (I will be voting for Stephen Colbert again anyway)  But I was listening to the radio on the way home and heard a guy screaming about it to the host.  His exact words were "I can't believe you can believe anything Herman Cain says about this situation when he's done nothing to prove his innocence."  Very strange concept of American justice.  But I have to say these days, most people do think you are guilty until proven innocent.